


Don't try this on Earth

by Eviumi



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Coming Out, Crack, Drinking, Focus on feeling and sensation, Italian Pidge | Katie Holt, Lance (Voltron) Speaks Spanish, M/M, Many meme references, One Shot, Sleepovers, Smut, Symbolism, The weirdest idea ever, Vines, descriptive, half-Galra Keith, post-season 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 14:36:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15888018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eviumi/pseuds/Eviumi
Summary: A pretty dank Klance one shot which ended up a little too... acid?Pidge and Hunk have been entrusted by Shiro with a near-death mission: kick Keith's ass out of the closet and make him acknowledge his real feelings over a certain someone. And so, the four youngest paladins walk into a room.





	Don't try this on Earth

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that this was written before season 7. Please enjoy and have a laugh!

The bedroom hall is quiet at the moment. With a panoramic view, we can see it from end to end, with its new white shiny walls and characteristic blue lights outlining the connection between the top of the walls and the ceiling. Making a space as similar and rectilinear as the older castle sure was a lot of work to Coran and Sam, after an emergency comeback and immediate change of plans before they could get to Earth, which really didn't matter, considering their excitement.

At the end of the corridor, sitting by the last bedroom door, we can see Lance and Keith waiting quietly for Pidge and Hunk, coming from the other side. It's already night-time, but since it was a relaxed day, the rest of the crew is still hanging out somewhere around the castle. Hunk and Pidge are walking slowly, bringing some food, drinks and pillows, while their conversation seems a little fishy.

"Alright, is there a real reason why we are making this little _sleepover_?", Hunk asks.

"Shiro told me that, some days ago, Keith was trowing his Marmora blade onto the wall which separates their rooms, until it actually got through into Shiro's room. Then he asked Keith what the heck was going on, and turns out he was having a little existential crisis over his sexuality. And... yeah... that's why Mr. Space Padre is half bald now", Pidge explains.

"So we are basically going to make him come out? Why doesn't Shiro take care of that by himself?"

"Well, I guess he thinks we can do a better job at kicking Keith's ass out of the closet. And he's... uh...", Pidge opens her eyes wide, a little disturbed by the image which just got in her mind. "Shiro is... kind of _busy_." She shakes her head and finishes: "And he also confirmed the crush Keith has on Lance. TOLD YA!"

 

The four youngest paladins are finally together, opening the door to the last room. It's an unusual guest room with a simple industrial design, looking smaller than it is because of the two bunk beds, leaning against the right and left walls, with just the right size to completely cover them. Still, the large window, which almost occupies the whole wall, offers an overflow of colours glowing intermittently through the dark sky. The view is breathtaking and fills the bedroom with shy light, almost announcing the disclosure of something new, might it be about Keith or their ongoing way to Earth.

"Buenos días, _my hoes_!", screams Lance as soon as he makes his first step to the room, disturbing the previous calm atmosphere. In the background we hear Hunk in a high-pitched voice, giving the blue paladin a dank look: "Watch your profanity".

"I thought you said the room had two beds?", Lance says looking suspiciously at Keith, one eyebrow raised.

"I said two bunk beds, which means there are four beds, you dumbass", Keith answers in his typical pose: leaning against the wall, arms crossed. "Did you think we were sleeping in pairs or something?"

While Lance is confused in Spanish, Hunk and Pidge already claimed their beds. Pidge almost ripped her _Did you just assume my gender?_ T-shirt while going up the stairs to the top bed. Unfortunatly, she gives up her place, since Hunk is always the leg and never stays at the top. Pretty solid argumentation, we must say.

Keith already made his way up to the top bed of the right bunk bed.

"Keith, if you think you're going to have the top bed, you're very wrong. Lance McClain's property, I'm sorry hunny", says Lance shooting his lady-killing gaze right at Keith, waving his hand as chic as possible. Keith is externally disgusted.

"Well, I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Loverboy, it just makes more sense I stay at the top, since now I'm the tallest one. _Oops~!_ ", Keith jokingly answers, refusing to get down.

"Why the fuck is height involved in this?"

"Since I'm taller, if I fall off the bed, the distance of impact will be shorter", and here we have Logic, starring Keith Kogane.

"Dude, I don't care. I refuse to be the bottom one. I win the highest throne, you stay down here and stop that foreshadowing about falling off the bed."

"Are they really arguing over who's top and who's bottom?", Hunk asks Pidge to her ear. Pidge replies, almost silent: "And one of them is a power bottom. The relationships in this _ship_ are getting really interesting."

 

Finally, the places have been taken: Lance and Hunk on the top beds and Keith and Pidge on the bottom beds. They're now sitting on the floor, in the middle of the room, taking all their things out of their bags and getting ready for the night.

"So what's the reason for this marvellous encounter, my fellow palladins?", asks Lance, imitating Allura's accent and voice, sounding almost too charming. Ugh... the feared question is the first one to be done.

"We'll celebrate our _bonding moments_! All the times we _cradled each others in our arms_!", replies Hunk with a sunshine smile, trying his hardest not to sound too obvious, almost failing miserably.

"Hey! That's my line! How dare you steal my script?", Keith is weirdly angry over this.

"Honestly, we don't really have a big motive for this night gathering...", Pidge laughs nervously, "It's just... a bros hangout, you feel me?"

" _Bros_? That makes it strange to have you between us, Pidge. I mean... we might talk about really weird things... just one girl in the middle of the boys... not that I have anything against it, actually-", Lance doesn't really know how to put it to words without sounding too offensive.

"Really? You're really going to forget everything that happened until that episode in season one?", asks Pidge pointing at her shirt, obviously chosen for this situation.

Once again, Lance is perplexed in Spanish. A lot of walls will be broken tonight.

"I guess we could celebrate the fact that Lance is finally over Allura".

The atmosphere tensed after Keith's sentence. Even the colours entering through the window get stressed, except for the purple, which gets even brighter. Pidge and Hunk look at each other feeling like the red paladin is going to make his way to the big revelation. Shots have been fired.

Lance is indeed getting over his crush on Allura: "Yep, it's definitely better like this. She had different feelings about me, and it's just fine like that. Obviously she wouldn't fake feelings just for me... and her being back to Lotor... I kinda dig it... and now I'm more interested in som-

"Jeez, this is getting too angsty", Keith interrupts, even though he was the one who triggered the speech. "What's that you brought, guys?"

Pidge energetically opens the box containing a mysterious bottle, with a funny shape and a neon liquid inside: "It's the Altean equivalent to an alcoholic beverage! Shiro helped me taking it out of Coran's shelves for... research purposes."

"Yeah, speaking of Shiro, why are only four of the paladins here?". Lance immediately regrets making this question, building up his own answers in his head right afterwards.

"Matt is still in the castle, right?", Keith adds.

"IT'S FREE REAL ESTATE", Hunk screams and whispers at the same time.

"More like _free real Shiro_ ", say Lance and Keith in the middle of childish giggles. Pidge literally leaves the room.

 

Some time has passed, the four are already a bit more cheerful and only two of them barely touched Coran's drink, so Shiro's plan can go smoothly in Hunk and Pidge's hands. The room is already very messy because they don't stop recreating their best stunts and favourite shitty vines, throwing snacks everywhere accidentally. Surprisingly, Keith has very low tolerance to these drinks, so risking a new substance from space would probably be very destructive, especially taking into account he's half alien. So far, he has only taken a tiny sip to feel its taste, and the confessions time had already began.

"And that's how I found out my brother has a little thing with Shiro", Pidge sighs. "And I don't want to talk more about it. I hope I could delete that picture out of my head", she quickly says while adjusting her glasses to hide her embarrassed expression.

"Yup, space really doesn't know Earth's _boundaries_. I now know, clearer than ever, that I'm not only attracted to the opposite gender. I just don't feel the need to be as flirty around girls. I think that was kind of a defense mechanism to hide from my reality." Lance confesses with a soft smile. "To sum it up, yes, I'm bisexual and I love how free I feel right now". Keith's eyes light up and the other two are surprised. Lance? He might actually like Keith?

"That was super sweet, Lance!", Hunk praises. "Now it's Keith's turn. What do you have to say?". All three are very expectant on what might come out of his mouth. We've waited for this moment through this long-ass build-up and the stars and planets outside are filling the room with colours to a whole new extent. Keith starts combing his hair with his right hand, while he leans back, sustaining his weight on his left hand, as if trying to find his words in the middle of his locks.

"You probably noticed it already, but I'm gay", Keith says casually, like if it wasn't really a big deal. The truth is, his eyes are shining and the way they reflect the scenario from the window is slowly killing Lance, creating a huge pressure under his stomach. Actually, this is probably giving him life, at this point it's hard to tell those feelings apart.

"Wait... so straightforward?", Pidge and Hunk are in awe. Lance choked with a _space chip_ as soon as he let that sink in, "wAIT WHAT?"

"I spent two years alone in the back of a space whale with my mom and Wolfie. That was enough time to think about it and get some advice from her. So I'm more than ready to come out. I was actually trying to do it slowly with every single one of you, without causing too much trouble. And... yeah... that's why Shiro is half bald", he explains, trying his hardest to not slip off of his tough posture. He almost grins at Lance because of the way his silhouette looks against the window, with all the little stars and planets outlining his body in a show of lights and textures.

"Alright then! It's time to seal the confessions with the cup of secrecy!", Hunk announces after filling their cups with the weird Altean liquid. All of them drink the cup instantly at the same time, as a deal to keep the confessions sealed in their memory.

"Quiznak, this crap is too strong!", Pidge says with her throat burning like never before.

"My dear Pidge Katie Holt Gunderson, what in the sake of the fucks is _this_? Abuela will make me reconciliate with Jesus as soon as we get home", yells Lance, making the other members chuckle.

Keith lays down, trying to keep a clear mind, but he knows this little party is going to get wild. Probably too much.

 

All we can hear from outside of the room is Lance screaming "RAZZLE DAZZLE" while Hunk sings the instrumental from _Africa_ by Toto and Pidge completes it with the lyrics from Evanescence's _Bring Me to Life_. As we look inside, we see Lance giving Keith a piggyback ride, running around the room as if they were superman. Pidge and Hunk do the same, and so the fight begins. After a lot of improvised magic spells, Pidge does her final attack while handling a fork: "DON'T FUCK WITH ME! I have the power of God _and_ anime on my side! AAAAAA". Keith tries to counterattack with his ultimate special attack: "I WON'T HESITATE, BITCH", finishing with a perfect invisible gun shot. Even though the opponent loses almost all HP, Keith is drunk enough to lose balance and fall from Lance's back, making him fall too. He got too tall for Lance.

Lance gets up for the next round and signals Keith to get on his shoulders again, but, as soon as they're back in position, the red paladin gets his hands on Lance's neck from his back and whispers on his left ear: "Since when do you have a back this seductive?". Pidge and Hunk start understanding that the drunk hormone fest just began.

The Cuban boy will never let Keith win over him, so he takes him off his back and puts them eye to eye, _very_ close to each other. He makes his hand go along Keith's jawline, right on his galra mark, until his fingers touch his mullet, leaving the thumb finger behind his ear. "Did you know I always had a crush on you?"

"Lance-", Keith can't even finish his phrase without deeply kissing Lance. It's filled with passion and the excitment provoked by their long wait for this moment. The kiss seems neverending, so Keith has to slowly interrupt it, separating their lips in such a delicate way, they are close enough to do it again. "You've made me discover what love is again, you shithead".

They go for another long kiss, this time closer than ever, pushing one against the other. Lance rises Keith's white T-shirt, slowly and intensely sliding his hands up his back, feeling the different reliefs formed by Keith's muscles, little hairs, pimples, every single detail, creating a map on his mind guided by the information given by the tips of his fingers. An intense purple shade is packing the room now, silencing all the other stars.

Keith lets his shirt get off his body, showing his strong arms which Lance is tempted to look at. As soon as the blue paladin starts kissing Keith's neck, the half-Galran boy unties Lance's blue robe with a quick pull, showing the tanned, soft skin glory. Lance laughs tenderly in the middle of the kiss and throws Keith onto the bottom bed, making him sit down. He then proceeds to lean over him, saying with a different, raspy voice: "I didn't forget the bonding moment".

A purple mark is left on the back of Keith's neck. He feels the burning sensation of the constellation of ruby hickeys Lance is forming all over his back, shoulders and chest. Their hearts accelerate, so as their breathing. Lance lets the knee in between Keith's legs slip a little, so he can make him lay down, but his thigh ends up touching Keith's crotch, feeling how hard he is already.

Pidge and Hunk are _still there_ , shocked while watching their friends in underwear basically about to initiate the awaited _combat_. They have a weird expression on their faces, almost looking like _cartoons_.

"Hum... This just escalated very quickly, uh?", Hunk says.

"Are they really going to do it? Right in front of my salad?"

"Oh shit, they are really gonna fuck. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck-", say both almost in unison, grabbing all of their things and stumbling out of the room, closing the door as soon as possible so no one hears the moaning which just began. "Crap, I forgot the bottle! Coran and Shiro are going to kick my ass to space if they find out", Pidge whispers in panic, having to go back to the room, scarring her teenage sanity once again.

Inside, Keith and Lance are now free to do whatever they want. Adjusting to the bed, Keith pulls Lance closer to him grabbing his waistband, feeling the volume inside the other's underwear touching his hipbones, frantically wanting to get out of the fabric layer. With this, Keith desperatly kisses Lance, who pulls his long hair and moans in his mouth. The red paladin takes his hands out of Lance's waist and instead slides them from his collarbone, across his nipples and abs, the tips of his fingers stumbling at the curves of the golden skin, until he gets down enough to finally take off his underwear. "Your turn, sharpshooter", Keith says in a breathy, deep, hard voice, making Lance shiver.

Lance grabs Keith's hands and places them on the back of his neck, covered by his longer hairs. "You really left your hair grow", Keith says, anxious for what the blue paladin might do next, "I've never seen you this handsome". Lance gets even more motivated to bring him to his climax, softly kissing his nose before going down all the way to his navel. He kisses the area in between his hip bones, sensing the firm skin trembling to each touch. He slides both hands across the outer sides of the hips, until he gets to his butt, pushing the last piece of clothing off.

" _Oh my god_ , Lance-". His hands continue their way: he holds Keith's dick in between the thumb and the little finger, for a minimum touch teasing to the maximum, sliding them from the bottom to the tip, where they close together. Lance heads down with his mouth, but since Keith is already this turned on, he changes his mind. He looks at Keith with a challenging face and a dirty smile from down there, reaching out to his ear while curling the hand he just used on Keith's dark hair, "I'll let you do that to me", and softly kisses his cheek. Keith seeks Lance's mouth once again, this time biting his lip and answering "I'll make you plead for it".

Keith is very glad to have stayed with the bottom place. Since he's laid down, he just bends his legs and Lance knows exactly what to do next. The bedroom has no lights on. Only the purple haze is involving the bodies making the connection much more intimate. Even if we close our eyes, the sound of lips parting, skin rubbing and expressive sighs let us know how intense the atmosphere got. The loudest sound ringing in our eardrums is the look of their smiling eyes. Eyes which get instantly shut as soon as Lance gets inside Keith. The slight contrast between their skin has now turned into an inseperable combo, where their sweat looks like tiny stars covering their contracted muscles.

Both already got the rhythm. Lance never felt a place as warm and velvety as inside Keith. This raises the heat more and more, even though he feels exciting cold chills every five seconds. On the other hand, Keith is overwhelmed at how fulfilling this turn of events is getting. This was _meant to be_. This is what he wanted for so long. Feeling Lance thrusting into him takes him to another dimension. It's warmth, love, colours, stars, and everything in between. With so much hunger, Keith grabs Lance's brown hair, taking his head off his side and gives the boy the most sloppy of the kisses, but it just feels _right_.

Keith's strength and stamina are beggining to show as Lance is giving in, close to an orgasm. Right over him, Lance's neck veins are popping and he's giving all he has left. The red paladin is also close to his highest point.

" _Keith... eres tan... you feel so... you're so good_ ", this been said between pants, coherence fading away and mixing idioms.

" _Don't stop Lance..._ "

" _Sí..._ ", Lance whispers, almost making no sound, contrasting with the way he moans, almost screaming Keith's name. Keith is also moaning loud, " _Lance! Go on... please..._ ". His galran mark is more evident, turning into a carmine shade. He starts licking Lance's earlobe, breathing deeper right beside it.

" _Keith..._ ". The way Lance pronounced the red paladin's name with a latin accent, made Keith feel intimidated, locking Lance in him with his legs, quickening the movement.

Finally, they reach the peak, being brought to an unknown state of mind stuffed with long groans. The purple is so intense in their eyes, it's impossible to see everything going blank. Lance comes, filling Keith up. The same happens with the red paladin, making a mess on their skin.

But _something_ is terribly wrong.

Lance didn't even have time to get out of Keith. He's feeling a corrosive, slight burning pain right on the skin where Keith came.

"Wh- what?", Keith asks, with sharp Galran eyes.

"¡QUÍTALO! ¡QUÍTALO!", Lance is desperatly screaming in agonizing pain, trying to get off Keith.

" _Keitalo_? That's not how you say my name...", Keith doesn't understand what's going on, still out of breath and confused enough to not even release Lance.

"¡QUÍTALO! ¡AHORA!"

"WHO THE FUCK IS KITALLO?"

 

Outside, on the other end of the corridor, sitting on the couch by the entrance, Hunk and Pidge were eating the rest of the snacks, waiting for what would happen. Pidge heard Lance's screams, but was unsure of what they were trying to communicate.

"Hunk, are you hearing Lance screaming?"

"Oh, yeah. And he doesn't seem to be having fun"

"He's saying something in Spanish. Let's get closer, I think I can understand"

"When did you learn Spanish, Pidge?", Hunk also wanted to have some Spanish knowledge. Only to prank Lance. _Obviously_.

"I don't know how to speak Spanish, but Italian and Spanish are very close languages."

The duo gets closer to the door. The screams keep going until they hear a heavy thud on the floor. At last, Keith fell off the bed, kicked out by Lance.

"So? Can someone tell me what just happened?", Hunk asks.

"Well, I guess Lance just found a new nickname to our emo boy. And was possibly kicked on the face because of that, falling off the bed", Pidge clarifies.

"Well... I'm going to believe your translation. Now let's get out of here and give them the privacy they need". Hunk is still a bit dizzy from the neon drink.

"MISSION ACCOMPLISHED BOI", Pidge screams, high-fiving with the yellow palladin.

 

Back inside the guest bedroom, the purple shade is still present, making the furniture glow, despite it being weaker. The colours are now clearly distinct. We can tell white from black, red from blue, and so on. But this time the closed space is a huge mess: Keith is all curled up on the floor, trying to cope with the pain on his left leg, while Lance is cleaning the weird substance which came out of Keith as fast as he can, using the bedsheets.

"YOU HAVE ACID CUM?", Lance screeches, sounding mad at first. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

"I have what?". Keith still hasn't understood the situation, and his Galran form hid itself.

"I want to have it too! Is that some sort of Galra thing? Holy shit boy, that scared the heck out of me.". It barely burnt, just like it does when sucking on skin. Lance just had to overreact or he'd shit his pants, even though he wasn't wearing them.

"I'm so hot that you burn just by touching me, uh? What about the suggestion from before, can you still handle it?". Let's not forget Keith is drunk and ready for the next hour of the night.

"Looks like there are a lot things I still don't know about you, Keef", Lance says affectionately, booping Keith's little nose. "I love your Galran eyes. And those stuffed arms and thighs around me... damn"

"And I love how cute you look being so short.". Surprisingly, Lance takes the compliment with a large smile, taking Keith with him to the top bed. All the colours of the rainbow spread around the room and our point of view is focused on Keith and Lance's clasped hands. _All the colours make sense together_.

 

If you hear someone falling off the bed again, yes. It was Keith.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this mess! This came from a very weird idea which was haunting my soul, but a very funny story developed around it and I had to get it out (I'm seriously going to regret this).
> 
> I hope you liked it!


End file.
